Anchor: Positive thinking did not remove the hard year. It kept bringing me back and grounding me. The hard was right. And standing on that ground, giving became integrity.

I listened to As a Man Thinketh by James Allen this week. An audiobook, on my walks.

There is an old line in it. As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. This year tested that line on me.

It made me sit with one year of my own thinking.

This year gave me a lot of moments. Positive thoughts. Negative thoughts too. I always held my vision and stayed positive at heart. But this year gave me both sides. Not one or the other.

I want to name the hard ones. I did not name them when they came. I am naming them now.

Envy. Wanting what someone else has. This one confused me, because I did not even want what they had. Job season at ISDM, my development management school. Friends getting their news, one by one. My path was different and I had chosen it. Consulting, building my own work, my own way. I did not want those jobs. But when their news came, something still burned quietly under my smile. The happiness for them was real. The burn was real too. I hugged them and went back to my room carrying both. Why does envy come for things you do not even want. I still do not have the full answer. Maybe it was not their jobs. Maybe it was their certainty. I wrote 51 editions this year and the word envy appears in none of them. It appears now.

Loneliness. I wrote it once without the word. Some days I sit in my room and feel alone in a building full of 102 people. Christmas was the worst of it. Everyone left. The corridor went quiet. I stayed in my room and the room felt bigger than it was. It was harder than I expected. I did not tell anyone that week. But the deeper loneliness was not the empty corridor. My path is different, and there were few people who think the way I think. Even sharing how my mind works was hard. I started my freelance work partly to break that loneliness. It gave me work. It did not give me the answer. My heart has not found the answer to loneliness yet. What I learned is to be alone. That is not the same thing.

Self doubt. On the train to Madurai, going home after four months, I felt I was failing on all fronts at the same time. For my mother, who was carrying things alone. For my cohort. For myself. The train moved south and I sat with all of it. I asked, am I really like this. Some nights the question kept me awake.

Here is what I did with all of it. I stopped fighting the thoughts. I accepted that I was thinking this way. Then I asked one question. Does this thought serve my values and my purpose.

That question changed the lens. The same situation looked different once I asked it. The envy became, what can I learn from their path. The doubt became, what does the evidence actually say about me. The loneliness became, who can I sit with today.

One thing stayed constant through all of it. Smile. Enjoy the small moments. The biryani lunch with my PLC, my small learning group. The extra kurta on Diwali morning. The jokes in 404, the room that became my people. The smile did not delete the negative thought. It bought me a small pause. Inside that pause, the question could do its work.

Where does that smile come from. I know exactly where. My dad. He taught me that in life every moment is important. Every second is important. Where people do not have food to eat, be there to give them food. He never said that in words. I realised it from him, and from his last moment, which I hold in my heart. When you carry a last moment, you know what a small moment is worth. The smile is not a technique. It is an inheritance.

That is what positive thinking actually did this year. It did not cover the hard. It gave me somewhere to stand while the hard passed through.

The smile travelled further than I knew. Vijay, from my cohort, wrote about his New Year's Eve on LinkedIn. He was scrolling that night, comparing, asking why he could not give his best, why he did not have what others have. The same questions I had been carrying all year. He asked, is this common for everyone, or am I the only one. Then he stepped back from all of it. He lit a sky lantern with his dad and mom. No party. No outing. Only silence filled with warmth, his words. And in that post he quoted a line I once shared with him. Enjoy the process and value even the smallest moments by being present.

I read it twice. Something I said while trying to hold my own thoughts steady had gone and held someone else's. So Vijay, here is your answer, months late. No, you are not the only one. I had the same thoughts the same year. This whole letter is proof.

Because the hard was right. I wrote it in March. Hard means yours. If it does not hurt, it is easy. If it is easy, we do not value it. This year hurt in places. That is how I know it is mine. Good for all, and the hard is right, always.

Pain, sadness, happiness, love. Sleepless nights and day dreams. All of it showed up. The year gave me the answer through experience, not through thinking about it.

And somewhere in that, one of my values changed without asking my permission.

For years my values were gratitude, spirituality, and giving. Now they are gratitude, spirituality, and integrity.

I think I know why. Giving works on the world outside. But envy, doubt, loneliness, they live inside. You cannot give your way out of them. The only thing that worked on them was telling the truth about them. That is integrity. The year kept sending me problems that giving could not touch, until I learned the value that could.

And giving did not leave. It cannot. It came from my dad and it lives in how I move, not in a list of three words. The list changed. The inheritance did not. Integrity is just giving with the truth included.

If you are carrying your own version of this year, here is the whole letter in plain steps.

Name the feeling. The real name, even the ugly one. Do not fight the thought. Accepting it is not agreeing with it. Then ask it one question. Does this thought serve my values and my purpose. Smile, not to cover the feeling, but to buy the small pause where that question can work. And know your values by name. Mine are gratitude, spirituality, and integrity. If you do not know yours yet, do not worry. The hard days will teach you. And the hard is right.

Hold your heart with positive vibes. That is what this year kept telling me.

Be kind, help people, trust muruga.

Nami